Marriage should be a partnership – a relationship built on love, respect, and mutual support. But if your spouse seems to make everything about them, if feels anything but a partnership. If they rarely acknowledge your feelings, dismiss your concerns, or even manipulate situations to serve their own interests -you might be married to a narcissist. If you’re married to a narcissist, it’s helpful to understand the dynamics involved in this type a relationship.

Understanding Narcissism

A narcissist isn’t just someone who loves taking selfies or thrives attention. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) have an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. They may manipulate, gaslight, or belittle their partners to maintain a sense of control and superiority.

Let’s be real though; not every difficult spouse is a narcissist. People can be self-centered without having a personality disorder. However, if your partner consistently exhibits the following behaviors, you may be dealing with narcissistic tendencies:

• Lack of empathy – They don’t seem to care about your feelings or needs.
• Constant need for admiration – They require excessive praise and validation.
• Manipulative behavior – They twist situations to make themselves look good and you feel guilty.
• Gaslighting – They make you doubt your own perceptions and memories.
• Sense of entitlement – They believe they deserve special treatment without reciprocating.
• Blame-shifting – They rarely take responsibility and always make things your fault.

This type of behavior will leave you feeling frustrated, exhausted, and hopeless. But there are measures you can take to protect yourself and regain your sense of control.

Strategies if your married to a narcissist

1. Set Firm Boundaries and Stick to Them

Narcissists thrive on controlling others, and the most effective way to protect yourself is by setting firm boundaries. Boundaries are not ultimatums; they are clear statements about what behavior you will and won’t accept.

For example:

• “I will not engage in conversations where I am being insulted.”
• “If you yell at me, I will leave the room.”
• “I am not responsible for managing your emotions.”

Narcissists often test boundaries, pushing to see if you’ll cave. Staying firm and consistent is key.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

A narcissist’s behaviors and words can often be deeply hurtful, but remember; their behavior isn’t about you – it’s about them. Their inability to show empathy or take responsibility comes from their own emotional struggles (and deeply rooted insecurity). While this doesn’t excuse their actions, it does mean you don’t have to internalize their negativity.

Instead of getting caught in the cycle of trying to prove yourself, remind yourself:

• “Their criticism is more about them than it is about me.”
• “I don’t have to engage in every argument they try to start.”

3. Find Emotional Support

Dealing with a narcissistic spouse can be incredibly isolating. It’s essential to have a support system. Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can help you process your emotions and offer perspective.

Many people in relationships with narcissists feel like they’re the problem because their partner has manipulated them into believing it. An outside perspective can help you see the situation more clearly.

4. Take Care of Your Own Mental and Emotional Health

Narcissists often drain their partners emotionally, making them feel small and unworthy. Self-care is a vital.

• Practice self-compassion – Remind yourself that your feelings and needs are valid.
• Engage in activities that bring you joy – Whether it’s exercise, hobbies, or time with friends – prioritize yourself.
• Seek therapy if needed – A therapist can help you navigate your relationship and rebuild your self-esteem.

5. Recognize When It’s Time to Leave

Not every marriage with a narcissist can or should be saved. If your spouse refuses to acknowledge their behavior, won’t seek help, or continues to mistreat you, you might consider whether staying in the marriage is the best choice for your well-being.

Ask yourself:

• “Am I constantly walking on eggshells?”
• “Do I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self?”
• “Is my emotional or physical health suffering because of this relationship?”

Leaving a narcissistic partner can be incredibly difficult, especially if they try to guilt-trip you into staying. If you decide to leave, make a plan – talk to a therapist, gather support, and ensure your safety if your spouse has a history of controlling or abusive behavior.

6. If You Stay, Manage Expectations

If leaving isn’t an option (or you’re not ready yet), managing expectations is critical. It’s a good idea to accept that a narcissist will likely never change – unless they truly want to – and even then, change is rare. So instead of expecting them to be the loving, supportive partner you wish they were, focus on how you can maintain your peace in the relationship.

Deciding how to manage being married to a narcissist is a deeply personal choice that requires careful consideration.

• Keep realistic expectations: They may never fully understand or validate your emotions.
• Limit emotional dependence: Find support outside of your marriage.
• Pick your battles: Narcissists thrive on conflict – often, disengaging is the best option.

Final Note From Arcadian Counseling

Being married to a narcissist is challenging, but there’s no need to be powerless. Set firm boundaries, seek out support and resources, and take care of your own emotional health in order to maintain a sense of control over your life.

James Killian, LPC is the Principal Therapist & Owner of Arcadian Counseling in Greater New Haven, CT where they specialize in helping over-thinkers, high achievers, and perfectionists reduce stress, increase fulfillment and enhance performance so they can move From Surviving To Thriving.