If your partner’s actions cause confusion, pain, or manipulation, it can be a sign you’re married to a narcissist. If you have ever questioned whether you are in this situation, you are not alone. Understanding narcissism and its effects on relationships can help you manage your situation and make informed decisions for the future.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism is more than just taking too many selfies or needing to be in the spotlight. While everyone can be narcissistic at times, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is an extreme and persistent pattern of behavior. People with NPD have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. And yet beneath this façade of superiority lies a fragile little ego that’s extremely vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose NPD, but there are certain behaviors and patterns that might suggest your spouse has narcissistic traits. These traits can be incredibly damaging to a marriage, leaving you feeling emotionally drained, unappreciated, and uncertain of your own reality.
Signs You Might Be Married to a Narcissist
Recognizing the signs of narcissism in your spouse can be challenging, since narcissists are typically very charming and persuasive, especially in the early stages of a relationship. However, there’s a few specific behaviors and/or traits to keep an eye out for.
1. DEVOID OF Empathy
The hallmark trait of narcissism is a lack of empathy. This looks like little shown interest in your feelings, dismissing your concerns, or an inability to understand your perspective. Why? Because they’re more focused on their own needs and desires, often to the detriment of your emotional well-being.
2. They Need Constant Admiration
Do they constantly seek validation and praise, and yet never seem satisfied? Narcissists require excessive admiration and go to great lengths to receive it. They expect you to put them on a pedestal, showering them with compliments and attention. If you fail to do so, they will become upset, withdrawing affection and even lashing out.
3. They’re Manipulative
Narcissists are skilled manipulators. They might use tactics like gaslighting—making you doubt your own memories or perceptions—or guilt-tripping to control you and maintain the upper hand in the relationship. They might twist situations to make themselves look like the victim, making it difficult for you to hold them accountable for their actions.
4. EntitleD IS THEIR MIDDLE NAME
Narcissists believes they deserve special treatment and become angry or resentful when they don’t get their way. This sense of entitlement looks like demanding, as in expecting you to always put their needs first or handle things they find beneath them.
5. They CAN’T Handle Criticism
Narcissists have a (very) fragile ego and are extremely sensitive to criticism, even of constructive variety. If your spouse reacts to criticism with anger, denial, or even a full-blown tantrum, this could be a sign of narcissism. They often struggle to take responsibility for their actions and instead blame others when things go wrong. You may have heard of the term: victim mentality
6. It’s Always About Them
Does your spouse always seem to steer the topic back to them? Narcissists dominate discussions, showing little interest in what others have to say. They often interrupt you frequently or simply disregard your views, making you feel unheard and insignificant.
7. NO Regard for Boundaries
Narcissists struggle with boundaries. They will invade your privacy, dismiss any need for personal space, and basically ignore your wishes.
How to Cope with a narcissist spouse
If you’re wondering if you’re married to a narcissist, you better take steps to protect your emotional well-being. Dealing with a narcissistic partner is exhausting and damaging.
What To Do if you’re married to a narcissist
1. Make those Boundaries crystal clear
Establishing and enforcing boundaries is absolutely crucial if you’re married to a narcissist. Make it crystal clear what behaviors are unacceptable and do not waiver or hesitate in the slightest to enforce. Trust me, they will try to push back, but maintaining these boundaries is vital to protecting yourself and surviving.
2. Don’t Take It Personally
Easier said than done for sure. But remember, their behavior isn’t a reflection of your worth, it’s a reflection of their lack of sense of self-worth. Narcissists project their insecurities onto others, so as hard as it is, don’t take their criticisms or manipulations personally.
3. Seek Suppor
Living with a narcissist can be isolating, but you don’t try to do it alone. Connect with trusted friends, family members, or a therapist you like and trust who can offer support and guidance.
4. Consider Professional Help
If your marriage is deeply affected by your spouse’s narcissism, couples counseling or individual therapy can be beneficial. A therapist can help you develop strategies for coping with your spouse’s behavior and explore your options moving forward.
5. Know When to Walk Away
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your own well-being is to fold ’em and walk away. If your spouse’s narcissistic behavior is causing significant harm and they’re unwilling to change, it’s time to think about what’s best for you. Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging, but it will be well worth it in the long run.
Life is short but being married to a narcissist can be an emotionally draining, confusing experience, and seemingly never-ending experience. Whether you choose to stay and work on the relationship or decide it’s time to move on, is entirely up to you, but remember that you deserve to feel valued, respected, and loved.
James Killian, LPC is the Principal Therapist & Owner of Arcadian Counseling in Greater New Haven, CT where they specialize in helping over-thinkers, high achievers, and perfectionists reduce stress, increase fulfillment and enhance performance so they can move From Surviving To Thriving.