Chances are you were taught as a child to never judge others. Parents and teachers probably said it a hundred different ways: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” And yet, despite our best efforts, most of us fall into the trap over and over again. In today’s polarizing world, it seems more evident than ever.

Someone cuts you off on the road: “What an asshole.”

Our friend makes a questionable decision by reuniting with an ex who mistreated her: “That’s stupid. What’s wrong with her?”

Someone posts something online we disagree with: “This person is a complete idiot.”

Let’s face it, we all do it. So why do we do it?

Here are four common reasons behind the particularly bad habit of judging other people.

It Helps Us Feel Superior

Tearing other people down is one of the most common ways people prop themselves up. By judging others harshly, we compare ourselves to them and come out feeling superior. Compared to their lives, their behavior, their physique, we look pretty good. But that kind of comparison is false, and it’s not doing you any favors. Instead of finding faults in others, you’d do a lot better to focus on becoming your best self. Try asking, “Is what I’m thinking or doing right now actually moving me toward the life I want?”

It Helps Us Recognize Our Goals

Judging is also a way we perceive the world and figure out where we fit in it. When we form opinions of others, we get clearer on what we like and aspire to be, and what we don’t like and want to avoid. That part’s not necessarily bad. The problem is the comparison underneath it. Routinely measuring yourself against other people is a fast way to erode your own confidence and your ability to actually enjoy your life.

It Uncovers Our Own Faults

We judge in others what we don’t like in ourselves.

More often than not, we’re bothered by the qualities in other people that we refuse to look at in ourselves. We ridicule, judge, and shame someone else’s habits, appearance, or choices because they’re the very things we can’t stand about our own. If you’re lacking in self-awareness, you won’t even catch yourself doing it.

It Makes Us Feel Part of a Group

Sometimes judging makes us feel like we’re part of the club. You know the scene. First day of work or school, someone complains about something, another person agrees, then another, and another. Before you know it, a whole group has formed around negativity. At times that’s harmless, a shared eye-roll at something genuinely ridiculous. But often it comes at someone else’s expense, and because it creates a sense of connection, it becomes a pattern people keep coming back to.

How to Break the Judgement Habit

If you’ve recognized your own tendency toward judgment, here’s where to start:

1. Take a moment to understand where the other person is coming from, and why they might look or act the way they do. No matter what someone looks, sounds, or acts like, they’re carrying something you can’t see.
2. Get honest about your own insecurities, and put that energy into building yourself up instead of tearing someone else down. Ask yourself if their behavior actually mirrors your own. Self-awareness starts there.
3. Take an honest look at your friendships. Are they built on positivity, or on tearing other people down together? If it’s the latter, that’s worth stepping back from. Misery loves company, and you get to choose what you surround yourself with.

Life is too short to spend it uncomfortable in your own skin. If you’re struggling with negative self-beliefs and a disconnect within, find a therapist you actually click with to help you become the best version of yourself. Not someone else’s version. Not the version you think you’re supposed to be.

 

James Killian, LPC is the Principal Therapist & Owner of Arcadian Counseling in New Haven, CT where they specialize in helping over-thinkers, high achievers, and perfectionists take control and move From Surviving to Thriving.