We can all act a little narcissistic sometimes. Being self-absorbed for a day doesn’t make you a narcissist. There’s a real difference between someone who’s self-centered on occasion and someone who’s actually wired that way.

Think back to when you met your spouse or partner. Did it feel like love at first sight? Was there something familiar about them, like you were pulled toward them before you even knew why?

Then, not long after the wedding, did something shift?

Did the attention that used to flow toward you start flowing back to them? Did rage show up out of nowhere, or the silent treatment, with no clear reason? Did it feel like they were working to make you jealous?

Do you feel like you’re being gaslit on a regular basis?

If that sounds like your marriage, there’s a good chance you’re living with a narcissist. Here are 4 signs to look for.

Here’s 4 signs You’re married to a narcissist:

1. They have Unreasonable expectations

If it feels like it’s all take and no give, that’s a sign.

Narcissists run on one operating principle: it’s about them. That usually means your needs sit on the back burner while you’re expected to meet theirs around the clock. When you notice you’re the one always giving and they’re the one always taking, pay attention to that pattern.

2. jealousy about everything

Jealousy over an attractive coworker is one thing. Jealousy over your kids, your dog, or your friendships is something else entirely.

Underneath the confident act, narcissists usually run on very low self-esteem. That low sense of self makes almost anything feel like a threat, not just romantic competition, but anyone or anything that pulls attention away from them. Kids, pets, friends, family. That threat response is what fuels the rage and the erratic behavior.

3. Constant projecting

Sound familiar? Like they’re describing themselves?

Projection is the move. Whatever they can’t own in themselves, they hand to you. Politicians do this constantly, and so do narcissistic partners. They’ll call you needy or say you have anger issues, and you’ll sit there thinking, “You’re describing yourself right now.”

You’re right. That’s exactly what’s happening.

4. no real apology, ever

If you can’t remember the last time you got a genuine apology, that’s worth noticing.

Empathy is the piece that’s missing. Narcissists struggle to see a situation from anyone’s perspective but their own, and that’s not something that gets fixed with a conversation. It usually traces back to how they were raised.

Think about a time you were struggling and they seemed completely checked out. That wasn’t an act. They were checked out.

Without empathy, taking responsibility is nearly impossible. But most narcissists know enough to perform concern when it’s required, so you get an apology that sounds right but feels hollow.

Living with, being married to, or working for someone narcissistic is exhausting. It wears down your confidence and your sense of self, especially if you haven’t built the ability to hold firm, clear boundaries.

Life is too short to spend it feeling devalued, disregarded, or unimportant. If you’re trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship like this, or how to get out of one, working with a therapist you trust can make the difference.

James Killian, LPC is the Principal Therapist & Owner of Arcadian Counseling in New Haven, CT where they specialize in helping over-thinkers, high achievers, and perfectionists reduce stress, increase fulfillment and enhance performance so they can move From Surviving To Thriving.