“Dust yourself off and start all over again…”
“The best way to get over the last one is the next one”
“Get right back on that horse…“
These are just some of the more common phrases we hear after a breakup. Our culture promotes the idea that trying something immediately after it didn’t go so well the first time is a good idea. And in a lot of circumstances, this is the right attitude.
But there is something to be said about taking a break after a breakup.
After you’ve ended a difficult marriage or a relationship, you may feel the desire to put yourself back out there and start dating again. Often, this stems from the urge to distract yourself from the emotional pain you are experiencing. Sometimes it’s for no other reason that to find the next Mr. or Mrs. Right. Either way, you may want to reconsider and take some time to reflect.
why it’s best to stay single after a breakup:
You need to process
Spending some quality alone time to process your breakup is a critical part of growth process.
The longer and more intense the relationship, the more events and feelings you may need to process. Dating is a great distraction from your feelings, and that is exactly why you need to remain single for a while. It’s important to process all of your feelings regarding the relationship and the break up. Ignoring your feelings will only cause them to fester.
You need to learn
When dealing with a breakup, take time to explore what went wrong and why so you can learn and not make the same mistake again.
Every heartbreak in life as an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. Now is the time for you to think about what went wrong in the relationship and why. What was your part in it? What could you have done better? How will you choose your next partner based on your experience?
Failure to truly understand your relationship history will only cause you to make the same mistakes again and again. And failure to identify and take accountability for your mistakes will only cause you to blame others. And failure to accept responsibility for your choices in life makes you a victim. And no one wants to date, marry, or be friends with a victim. ????
You need to grow
Painful breakups are a part of life. Taking the time to process and reflect after a breakup ensures that you grow as a person and a partner.
You can either bring an excessive amount of emotional baggage to your next relationship, or you can bring a new version of you that is whole and healthy and vital. Now is the time to explore your values and passions. What interests have you been ignoring because of your broken relationship? Have you been wanting to explore a new career? Start a consulting gig on the side? Learn a new language or travel more?
The more time you spend on yourself now to grow as a human being, the more you will have to offer that next person you connect with.
Breakups are never easy but they are an important part of our evolution and growth as a person. The key is to not rush into the next relationship and take some time to reflect on the one that just ended.
Life is short and so are breakups (hopefully). But getting over one can feel like an eternity if you aren’t equipped with the right support, skills, and mindset. If you’re struggling to get over a breakup, find an awesome therapist or coach you like and trust to help you make sense of what happened.
James Killian, LPC is the Principal Therapist & Owner of Arcadian Counseling in New Haven, CT where they specialize in helping over-thinkers, high achievers, and perfectionists reduce stress, increase fulfillment and enhance performance so they can move From Surviving To Thriving.