If you’re wondering if your wife is gaslighting you, it’s a good idea to approach the situation with a careful focus on protecting your emotional well-being. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person causes another to doubt their perception of reality, typically resulting in them feeling confused, anxious, or insecure.

strategies to deal with gaslighting

1. Recognize the Signs of Gaslighting

• Denial of Your Reality: Your wife may deny things she’s said or done, even when you clearly remember them.
• Shifting Blame: She may make you feel responsible for things that aren’t your fault.
• Confusion and Self-Doubt: You might start questioning your memory, perceptions, or judgment because she dismisses your feelings.
• Isolation: Gaslighters may try to isolate you from others, including friends or family, to make you more dependent on them.

If you don’t realize you’re being gaslit, then you can’t address it.

2. Document Everything

Keep track of specific incidents when you feel manipulated or confused. Write down what was said, what happened, and your emotional response. This can help you gain clarity about the situation and address any confusion gaslighting often causes. Keep evidence of things you’ve discussed (texts, emails, or notes) that show patterns of manipulation.

3. Trust Your Own Perceptions

Gaslighting relies on making you question your own memory and perception. If something seems off or you know what you saw or heard, trust your instincts. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, even if they’re being challenged by your wife.

4. Set Boundaries

If you’re feeling like you’re being gaslit, it’s imperative to cearly communicate your feelings and set boundaries around manipulative behavior. For example, “When you deny what happened or tell me I’m wrong, it’s hurtful and I feel disrespected.” Be firm in enforcing these boundaries. If she continues to engage in gaslighting, it might be a good idea to limit interactions or take a break from certain conversations.

5. Seek External Support

• Talk to a Trusted Friend or Family Member: Sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective on the situation to affirm your experiences.
• Consider Therapy: If you feel comfortable, consider couples therapy. A neutral third party (like a therapist) can help both of you understand the dynamics in your relationship and work through communication issues. If your wife is unwilling to engage, individual therapy can help you process what’s happening and develop coping strategies.
• Counseling for Yourself: Speaking to a therapist individually can help you regain your confidence, rebuild trust in yourself, and explore how to best handle the situation.

6. Communicate Directly and Calmly

Calmly address the gaslighting behavior. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory: “I feel like my thoughts and feelings are being dismissed when we discuss [specific situation].” Try to stay calm and avoid escalating the situation. Gaslighting can become more intense if there’s a lot of emotional reaction, and keeping your responses measured may help de-escalate things.

7. Know When to Walk Away

If the gaslighting continues despite your attempts to address it, you may need to reconsider the future of the relationship. Gaslighting can be emotionally damaging and may continue even after direct confrontation if the underlying behavior isn’t addressed. Walking away doesn’t have to be permanent; sometimes taking space helps both partners reflect on the situation. If the behavior doesn’t change, however, it might be necessary to think seriously about the relationship’s long-term viability.

8. Prioritize Your Well-Being

Above all, take care of yourself emotionally and mentally. Gaslighting can erode self-confidence and lead to significant stress or anxiety. Practicing self-care, seeking support, and building up your emotional resilience is essential. If you’re feeling isolated or confused, a well-trained therapist you like and trust can help provide you work through your emotions.

9. Consider the Relationship’s Dynamics

Gaslighting is typically part of a larger pattern of controlling or manipulative behavior. It’s important to take a moment to reflect on the overall health of your relationship – specifically whether there are other signs of emotional abuse or manipulation. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and communication. If these elements are consistently undermined, you may need to reassess your long-term happiness and emotional safety.

Dealing with gaslighting can be incredibly difficult, especially in a marriage, where trust and love should be foundational. Taking steps to protect yourself, both emotionally and mentally, is crucial. Remember, your feelings and experiences are valid.

If you’re struggling with gaslighting or any other challenging relationship dynamics, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. A well-trained therapist you like and trust can help you gain clarity, rebuild trust in yourself, and provide guidance on how to navigate difficult situations.

James Killian, LPC is the owner of Arcadian Counseling, a private practice in Greater New Haven, CT, specializing in helping over-thinkers, high achievers, and perfectionists reduce stress, increase fulfillment, and enhance performance — so they can move From Surviving to Thriving. He primarily works with professional men navigating high-pressure careers and meaningful life transitions. His approach blends psychological insight with real-world experience to support men in reclaiming clarity, strength, and purpose.