You know the moment. You try to bring up something that bothered you — a comment, a tone, a behavior — and instead of accountability, you get:

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

On the surface, it looks like an apology. But it sure as hell doesn’t feel like one, does it?

That’s because it isn’t. It’s a deflection, designed to make you look like the emotional one while the other person remains “reasonable” and above it all.

For many involved fathers in high-stress careers, this feels especially frustrating. You already carry a lot, and when you try to address something respectfully, the last thing you want is to be dismissed or told your feelings are the problem.

Let’s explore what’s really happening — and how to respond without escalation, defensiveness, or giving a lecture.

Why “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” Is Passive-Aggressive

This phrase does three things at once:

1. Shifts Responsibility
   It implies the issue is your reaction, not the original behavior.
2. Avoids Accountability
   It sidesteps any acknowledgment of what was said or done.
3. Invalidates Your Experience
   It sends the message: Your feelings aren’t legitimate.

The result? Conflict stays unresolved, resentment grows, and you walk away feeling unheard — which just makes you feel worse.

The Goal Isn’t to Win — It’s to Redirect

The instinct for most guys is to push harder. To explain and prove your point.

But this will only have you going in circles.

The goal is not to get the other person to admit they were wrong (you can’t force that).
The goal is to bring the conversation back to the behavior — not your emotions.

You do this by staying calm, direct, and brief.

How To Respond To A Passive-Aggressive Apology

Here are responses that:

• Hold your ground
• Avoid emotional escalation
• Don’t sound like “therapy-speak” or performative

1. Name the Deflection

“That doesn’t address what I’m bringing up. I’m talking about the behavior, not my reaction.”

You’re calling it out without shaming or attacking.

2. Bring the Focus Back to the Action

“I’m not asking you to apologize for how I feel. I’m pointing out what was said/done.”

Clear. Steady. Uncomplicated.

3. Ask a Direct Question

“Do you see how your comment came across? That’s the part we need to talk about.”

This shifts the conversation toward accountability, not emotion.

4. Set a Boundary Without Threats

“If we can’t talk about the behavior directly, we’re not going to get anywhere. Let’s take a beat and circle back when we can both do that.”

This stops the cycle before it turns into a fight.

Why These Responses Work

These statements:

• Don’t blame or attack
• Don’t explain or justify
• Don’t make you look reactive
• Don’t feed the emotional tug-of-war

They refuse the invitation to argue about whether your feelings are “valid” — and instead focus on discussing the actual problem.

This is how you hold your ground without raising your voice, over-explaining, or defending yourself to death.

What Guys Often Don’t Realize

Many of the men I work with say things like:

• “I don’t want to sound weak.”
• “I don’t want to be dramatic.”
• “I don’t want to turn this into a fight.”

But these responses aren’t emotional. They’re structured, stable and clear.

They communicate:

• I’m calm.
• I’m not backing down.
• I’m not attacking.
• I’m not apologizing for having a reaction to something real.

This is what strength looks like.

The Bottom Line

You can’t force someone to take accountability. But you can create a dynamic where:

• You stay grounded
• The conversation stays real
• You refuse to play the “you’re too sensitive” game

When you do this consistently, one of two things happens:

1. The relationship matures and communication improves.
2. Or you learn exactly what you’re dealing with — and what it costs you to stay.

Either way, you gain clarity. And clarity is power.

James Killian, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the founder of Arcadian Counseling in Connecticut. He works with professional men navigating anxiety, relationships, fatherhood, and high-pressure careers. His approach is direct, grounded, and focused on helping clients regain steadiness and self-respect during demanding stages of life while blending psychological insight with real-world experience to support men in reclaiming clarity, strength, and purpose.